His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
