you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize