Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
