Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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