Kiss
Puke
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
