Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
