fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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