if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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