I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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