I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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