he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
