Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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