I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
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I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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