Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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