I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
