Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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