I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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