i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
