im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
