im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
