Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
