You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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