Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
