...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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