Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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