worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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