My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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