just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
