We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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