Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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