I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
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so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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