Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Randomize
