You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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