3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
