Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
