you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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