I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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