sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
