i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
