Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
