the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
