I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
