I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
