i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
