I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
