just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
