no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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