Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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