You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
