wanna go halves on a baby?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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