I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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