so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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