i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
