onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
