so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
