Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
