I wish my penis had an off switch
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
